Review: Witless Protection (2008)

Director: Charles Robert Carner | 97 minutes | comedy, crime | Actors: Larry The Cable Guy, Jenny McCarthy, Peter Stormare, Eric Roberts, Joe Mantegna, Richard Bull, J. David Moeller, Will Clinger, Omar Dykes, Reno Collier, Yaphet Kotto, Ivana Milicevic, Dan Waller, Rick Le Fevour, Joseph Luis Caballero, Sean Bridgers, Gerry Bednob, Claudia Michelle Wallace

In America they run away with him: Daniel Whitney, better known as “Larry the Cable Guy”. The comedian started his career on the radio in the early 1990s, calling DJs and posing as fictional characters. One of those characters, a crazed cable company, turned out to be a direct hit and “Larry the Cable Guy” has been his alter ego ever since. The repulsive redneck with his heavy southern accent and false humor became so popular that the “empire” was expanded with humorous CDs and films in which Larry, wearing always jeans, a flannel shirt without sleeves and baseball cap in camouflage colors, finds himself in all kinds of hilarious situations. Though, hilarious … Maybe you have to be an American to fall for this painfully unhappy Yank! Most people – at least in Europe – will absolutely not feel attracted by this ridiculous appearance.

In his latest film, “Witless Protection” (2008), Whitney plays (how could it be otherwise?) Larry Stadler, a more or less ambitious deputy sheriff in a tiny town in Mississippi. In the bar run by his sweetheart Connie (Jenny McCarthy), he spots the handsome Madeleine Dimkowski (Ivana Milicevic), who is accompanied by a group of dangerous-looking men in dark suits and sunglasses. Immediately assuming she is being kidnapped (in reality, she is a key witness in a criminal case and is being escorted to a safer place by the FBI) ​​and decides to kidnap her back. Although Madeleine protests fiercely, Larry has already figured it out for himself. FBI man Alonzo Moseley (Yaphet Kotto) is a dirty cop who works for corrupt and megalomaniac tycoon Arthur Grimsley (Peter Stormare), against whom Madeleine must testify. As if it wasn’t all bizarre enough, Larry turns out to be right too …

Burned to the ground in “Witless Protection” in the US press. And rightly so, because it is one of the worst movies ever made. That the story has nothing to do with the body and is completely unbelievable, is still up to that point. The big problem lies in the tone of the film. To begin with, the humor – as far as you can speak of it – is even more vulgar than the “American Pie” series. Perhaps worse than the shit, pee, vomit and fart jokes is the fact that anyone who can be insulted is slammed down and all ideas that are even the slightest liberal are brutally razed to the ground. The low point may be the scene in which Larry threatens a Muslim hotel owner that he will send him to “Gitmo” if he doesn’t offer him a room soon. Although the cringe-worthy analogy “faster than Angelina Jolie adopts jungle pygmies” is getting close to absolute zero. African-American Yaphet Kotto also regularly gets few subtle “jokes” thrown at his head. Why he lends himself to this monstrous redneck carnival is a mystery.

It will come as no surprise that the acting is of an appalling level. Both Whitney and Jennie McCarthy were nominated for a Razzie, and that’s generally not a recommendation. We have never seen Kotto, Eric Roberts and Ivana Milicevic so badly. However, the ones who should be ashamed the most are Joe Mantegna and Peter Stormare. Mantegna was once a respected actor with roles in acclaimed crime dramas such as “The Godfather: Part III” (1990) and “Bugsy” (1991). Now he shows up in a bizarre cameo as a crazy scientist. Stormare starred in two of the Coen Brothers’ best films (1996’s Fargo and 1998’s The Big Lebowski) but here shows himself as evil genius Arthur Grimsley at his very worst. Why the hell? Even the mediocre cinematography and music cannot save this dragon from a movie …

Even the Neanderthals for whom director Charles Robert Carner made his film will not be able to hide their disappointment. “Witless Protection” is a dismal product that should never have been made. Stupid and narrow-minded from the first to the last minute!