Review: Transylmania (2009)

Directed by: David Hillenbrand, Scott Hillenbrand | 92 minutes | horror, comedy | Actors: Oren Skoog, Worm Miller, Patrick Casey, Jennifer Lyons, Tony Denman, Patrick Cavanaugh, Paul H. Kim, David Steinberg, Natalie Garza, Nicole Garza, Musetta Vander, James DeBello, Irena A. Hoffman, Claudiu Trandafir, Radu Andrei Daniel

The basic concept behind ‘Transylmania’ is simple: the buttery-horny student Rusty and his equally shallow circle of friends descend on Transylvania for a semester full of orgies with Eastern European beauties, booze and narcotics. But obviously this part of Romania is the epicenter of vampire activity, which gives the school trip a rather sharp edge. Especially when it turns out that Rusty resembles the dreaded Romanian vampire count Radu like two drops of water.

Unsurprisingly, the above storyline provides enough food for a parody of the time-honored vampire genre. Hot vampire chicks, tough female vampire hunters clad in tight leather, a Romanian beauty with a big hunchback, a midget version of Dr. Frankenstein, evil spirits, bad Romanian accents and a barrage of pee-poo and adolescent sex jokes, these are all elements that pass in review in this umpteenth attempt to take the horror genre seriously. Unfortunately, this only partially succeeds and ‘Transylmania’ loses itself too quickly and too often in typical college humor. In the first fifteen minutes you already get a penis folded between a laptop, an extremely windy duo of horses and a scene in which large amounts of soft drugs are injected anally behind the molars. Then you actually already know what type of film you are dealing with as a viewer. A teen print populated by C actors, made for an apple and a stake. That in itself does not have to be a problem if the film is at least funny and original. And that is where the problem lies with ‘Transylmania’.

Against a handful of successful jokes and scenes (the arrow in the leg of a self-proclaimed vampire hunter) are countless silly, adolescent, chewed-out and often even painfully bad witticisms that will only bring a generous smile on the face of few viewers. In addition, the cover announces a bit screaming that we are dealing with the uncensored version, a warning that suggests that the film contains some brutal massacres or other horror elements. This is no less true: the warning seems to refer mainly to the non-functional nude that occasionally passes by.

Actually, ‘Transylmania’ contains very few elements that warrant a viewing, unless you see bread in eccentric Lilliputians with high voices, cardboard and lurid vampires or pre-chewed, campy teen humor. Only when you’re in an extremely corny or jolly mood is this dubious piece of cinematic pulp worth a look. Those looking for a truly entertaining horror comedy should sink their teeth into more worthy representatives of the genre such as ‘Zombieland’ or ‘Doghouse’.