I’m Not Here (2019)

Directed by: Maartje Nevejan | 90 minutes | documentary

An absence is a type of epileptic seizure, which often occurs in young children (one in two hundred). During such absence epilepsy, a child stares ahead for a short time and then continues as if nothing had happened. Filmmaker and actress Maartje Nevejan often had them in the past, and her son Abel also experienced these brief glitches in the brain. When he was six, he suddenly spontaneously exclaimed when he saw a work of art that it feels exactly like he had such an absence epilepsy! That turned out to be a revelation, because it felt that way for his mother too. So although science has so far not provided any evidence for the presence of consciousness during an absence, Maartje, Abel and all those other people who have experience with absences know better. In the documentary ‘I’m not there for a while’ (2019) this experience is linked to art. Associative images make it clear to the viewer that ‘I’m not here for a while’ actually means: ‘I’m somewhere else for a while’.

Those images and sensations that these people experience are most like dreams. Illogical events, overwhelming – sometimes frightening performances, and often they keep coming back – like a repetitive nightmare. During her absence, for example, one of the young women interviewed always sees a wolf who is staring at her with yellow eyes. Another person describes it as an endless broccoli, which you walk through continuously, changing shape all the time. The filmmaker herself kept seeing the same scary scenes from the 1970s TV series, “Police Woman,” with Angie Dickinson playing a much scarier role in her memory than she actually played.

‘I’m not here for a while’ is part of a larger study that Maartje Nevejan has started because so little is known about these absences. Under the title ‘If You Are Not There, Where Are You?’ she has mapped absence experiences. There is an exhibition, Mapping the Experience, a VR installation, a research film (in which ten children are connected to his or her own artist and bring the experience into image and sound) and thus this artistic and informative documentary.

For the viewer who has no experience with absence epilepsy, ‘I’m not here for a while’ makes a lot clear. But the understanding for these young people, who constantly have to live with the feeling of being ‘different’ and the uncertainty it causes, is also increased. At the same time, you also understand the grief of the young woman who, after brain surgery to remove her epilepsy, goes through a kind of grieving process because she has lost that world. ‘I’m not here for a while’ asks interesting questions, does not have an answer to everything, but is nevertheless recommended for people who are interested in the workings of human consciousness, science and art.