Coffee (2011)

Directed by: Kipp Trible, Derek Wingo | 85 minutes | horror, thriller, crime | Actors: Kevin Sorbo, Sunny Doench, Bruce Davidson

In ‘Coffin’ a woman is locked in a coffin – you can feel it coming – together with her lover with whom she is cheating. The only way he can save his adulterous wife is by doing exactly what the kidnapper… oh never mind. ‘Coffin’ is just another film that tries to cash in on the ‘Saw’ hype for an apple and an egg. Much clearer, isn’t it?

How to fill one more piece about such uninspired dredge? As is often the case, Bruce Campbell offers a solution. In his biography ‘If Chins Could Kill’, the B actor describes his introduction to Hollywood. A place where, according to him, many are infected with ‘spores’. These deadly fungi burrow deep into their host and make sure that the person wants nothing more than to lie on the beach and laze, convinced of his unprecedented talent. If the infection lasts long enough, the spores eventually take over their host completely, causing them to lose contact with reality completely. There have been cases where the victim has lost any sense that there is still a world outside of Los Angeles, with real people and real problems.

The makers of ‘Coffin’ must suffer from this disease, otherwise it is impossible to explain how someone can make such a self-righteous film. Not only does the film have a total blind spot for any kind of self-criticism and both the actors and the scriptwriters take themselves way too seriously, the makers also seem to forget that there are people in the world who are not surrounded by actors, models and fast businessmen.

The annoyance already starts with main character Jack Samms, who is a walking stereotype with his buckets of money and blond girlfriend. No explanation as to how he got either of these two things is given either. Blondes and businessmen are falling from the sky in LA after all. Unfortunately for Jack, his girlfriend is kidnapped one day by what has to be the most annoying kidnapper of all time. This Johnny Alonso, as the best man is called in real life, tries to frighten the viewer with a forced scary voice and is skillfully hidden behind sunglasses. Behind this top disguise, however, hides an aura that suggests that Johnny is crying in front of the mirror when his hair is not right and so he knows little to convince as a ruthless kidnapper.

Incidentally, there is no motivation to save this Rona, because the actress effortlessly confirms all jokes about blondes. With her silly look and hysterical screams you soon start to suspect that Jack personally put her in that coffin to get a week of rest. Personally, the writer of this piece would have known. However, nothing could be further from the truth and so Jack has to try if necessary to save her and as a viewer you are still stuck with all the characters and self-overestimating misery.

Admittedly, there is an unexpected twist in the film (not anymore), but this confirms all the more that the makers behind ‘Saw’… er… ‘Coffin’ are no longer able to think beyond their own Hollywood life. The end result is a totally unnecessary film that is enjoyed by no one but the makers. If you travel to LA now, you will find the makers just on the beach, where they are discussing whether there should be a sequel to this masterpiece of suspense.