All That I Am – Alt det jeg er (2020)

Directed by: Tone Grøttjord-Glenne | 75 minutes | documentary

‘All That I Am’ is a documentary account of the first steps on the adult life path of an abuse victim. With an intense focus on the main character, 18-year-old Norwegian Emilie. A girl you don’t envy, but you can’t hate either. She has been systematically sexually abused by her stepfather, now out of the picture. When she was twelve she ended up with the police with her story. Mother says she knew nothing.

We follow Emilie in her steps on the path of healing and her vacillating search for a job. The film meanders from impressive silences between mother and daughter to endless consultations with care providers; what holds the attention is the fate of the sympathetic main character, who is already delighted by the sight of a music therapy session.

Although at times slow, the film paints a good picture of the essence: the search for one’s own identity. That can be boring for people with an average childhood, for less fortunate young people it is precisely what is so missed. On the other hand, mother and daughter talk surprisingly deeply and tenderly about a matter that often fills the passive parent with shame. Director Grøttjord comes close, very close.

Usually it is a matter of years, sometimes decades, before something like this comes loose. Sometimes the passive parent doesn’t know what’s going on, the child thinks the abuse is normal and needs to learn to recognize their own trauma; this is often followed by a period of self-realization, before those involved are strong enough to go public. That moment comes surprisingly early in ‘All That I Am’, perhaps because the film should serve as an example. Talk about it.