I Hate Valentine’s Day (2009)

Directed by: Nia Vardalos | 90 minutes | comedy, romance | Actors: Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Stephen Guarino, Amir Arison, Zoe Kazan, Gary Wilmes, Mike Starr, Jason Mantzoukas, Judah Friedlander, Rachel Dratch, Jay O. Sanders, Lynda Gravatt, Olive, Suzanne Shepherd, Dan Finnerty, Ward Horton , Isiah Whitlock Jr., Salvador ‘Wally’ Corona, Howard Feller, Autumn Ready Potter, Rose Abdoo, Ian Gomez, Ben Schwartz, Tracy Thorpe, Kapil Bawa, Wali Collins, Miriam Tolan, Rachel Hamilton, David Beach, Gaetano Iacono, John Tormey, Peter Conboy, Cheryl Cosenza

Thanks to a cheating father, Genevieve (Nia Vardalos) has developed a relationship complex. Long ago, the attractive florist therefore decided that she would only date. As soon as it gets too cozy, she looks for another man to, uh, have fun with. Genevieve knows from experience that that tipping point is at five dates, which leads her to use just that as a maximum. Five dates, then the man can wiggle. Not a penny of pain!

Nia Vardalos wrote the screenplay for this film, took the director’s chair and immediately offered herself the lead role. She should have left those last two tasks to someone else, because how much fun she was in ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’, how horribly she acts in this rombow. And a good director would probably have said something about that, but then again, she was herself. There was still something to do with the scenario itself; nowhere does it get refreshing, but with a sparkling cast and some better jokes, ‘I Hate Valentine’s Day’ would have provided quite an hour and a half of entertainment, but what’s canned now is almost the entire running time.

Vardalos cannot hide the fact that she is on a film set. You can almost see the camera and sound people standing around her. For much of the film she is so annoyingly cheerful and cheerful that you really start to wonder if there is something wrong with her facial muscles. The way she walks through the streets of Brooklyn is completely unnatural. Oddly enough, none of her friends have, in fact, she’s highly regarded and consulted as a guru about dating tips and tricks. Those friends, by the way, hardly come into their own; her colleagues in the flower shop should probably propose a bunch of gay friends, but even that doesn’t work out; then she has a girlfriend (Zoe Kazan) who – oh so funny – becomes completely obsessive about hooking up a potential boyfriend (googles them for the first date and then makes scrapbooks of them); Rachel Dratch (“Saturday Night Live”) also plays an unclear role and then there is a delivery man (Jay O. Sanders), whose marriage has fallen into a rut. Let it be precisely that man who eventually shows Genevieve that having a permanent relationship can also be nice. No one saw it coming, right?

The only one holding the film up a bit is John Corbett, who may have no chemistry with Vardalos (unlike their previous collaboration in ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’), but still seems quite natural on screen. The jokes don’t make the movie either, or you’re going to be shattered when you accidentally see the lead actress standing on a bum wrapped in a blanket, then apologizing for not having seen him, or unabashedly for a restaurant her dress straightening, while half the restaurant can enjoy the view of her pantyhose underpants. ‘I Hate Valentine’s Day’ drags on, and the only reason you’ll want the two lovers to get together is because then the movie will be over. That ending is also quite sweet and endearing, and it would have worked so well in a better movie, but it’s much too late here.