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Review: Vampires Suck (2010)

Directed by: Aaron Seltzer, | 82 minutes | comedy | Actors: Jenn Proske, , , , , , , , , Arielle Kebbel, , , Chris Riggi, , , Matthew Warzel, Charlie Weber, Nedal Yousef, , , , , Greg Washington, ,

Stephenie Meyer wrote a series of books about a young girl who falls in love with a vampire. The books all became bestsellers, the film rights were sold, and that ensured that the hype came to a peak. Teenagers as well as in their twenties and a single Twi mom enjoyed the teenage troubles in the village of Forks near the Canadian border on the silver screen. The popularity of Robert Pattinson (Edward) and Taylor Lautner (Jacob) even resulted in a split. As a loyal fan, you were supposed to choose: either you are Team Edward or you are Team Jacob. It was to be expected of course, but the duo Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, known for parodies like ‘Epic Movie’, ‘Date Movie’ and ‘Disaster Movie’, took the opportunity to fill their bank account with both hands and went to the hit with a spoof on vampire movies. At least, that seemed to be the intention at first, because in the end, “Vampires Suck” only parodies the “Twilight” series. Related hits such as TV series “The Vampire Diaries” and “True Blood” are almost completely ignored. Buffy (the Vampire Slayer) will make her appearance for a little while longer, but you should not blink (or turn in annoyance) with your eyes, otherwise you will have missed her performance.

“Vampires Suck” almost literally follows the plot of “Twilight” and “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”, but all made a bit more ridiculous. For example, Jacob here has a dog nose and instead of a sexy six-pack, he shows a hairy upper body with ten nipples in the famous and precisely copied shirt pull-off scene. Also, no possibility is skipped to make a sexual allusion, but the makers do not seem to realize that jokes about sex dolls are no longer fun. Another distasteful example: when Becca tells her father in the car that she has grown her hair long, he says something like, “Yeah, you really are a big girl now. Let me see your breasts! ” Father cannot decide whether Becca is a baby, a toddler or a full-grown woman, it turns out later, because after showing her room that is still packed with Barbie dolls, he pushes a teat in her mouth and carries her in a belly carrier outwards. What the makers also humorously assume is the beating up of Jacob’s disabled father and the like.

What is striking in a positive sense is how well Jenn Proske knows how to imitate Kristen Stewart. She has groomed her pout lips and downcast looks to the finest finesse. Matt Lanter also puts down a good Edward, but Jenn definitely rivals him. The references to other popular phenomena such as in the earlier films of this duo are kept to a minimum here. We see Lady Gaga pass by, and a one-time (attempted) joke is made about the Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift and the Black Eyed Peas and in Becca’s sad period because of the ended relationship she reads books like ‘Eat Pray Suck’ (‘ Eat Pray Love ‘). Sometimes, very occasionally, the makers still manage to cause a smile, for example when Edward catches the apple from Becca’s bag in both hands (reference to the book cover), but the only thing that is really nice about “Vampires Suck” is the title.

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