Review: Ushi Must Marry (2013)

Director: Paul Ruven | 96 minutes | comedy | Actors: Wendy van Dijk, Hiromi Tojo, Patrick Dempsey, Chris Noth, Uri Geller, Amanda Musso, Jillie Reil, Mark Sagato, Sunny Vachher, Emma Zerner

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You have bad movies and you have ‘Ushi Must Marry’. This Dutch production is so pitifully bad that it can almost be called a world achievement that this film exists at all. How could this production be made? A lot of money has been invested in this (read: the guest role of Patrick Dempsey) and how could it be that a studio gave the green light for this film that is not at all funny, fun or entertaining? Everything about ‘Ushi Must Marry’ has failed.

‘Ushi Must Marry’ revolves around the eponymous title character (played by Wendy van Dijk). This ‘old’ spinster is married off by her mother, because she is still not married. However, the Japanese’s intended partner is a sumo wrestler with a curvier. Ushi promises to marry him, provided she does not find another suitable suitor within two weeks. Will that work in such a short time?

Where to start? The fact that so many people participated in this production without even one having the guts to say how hopeless this exercise was, is shocking. Nothing is right about this movie. The acting and humor are absent, the characters racist, the soundtrack dull and the camera work boring. Ushi is a flat and very perishable character who is suitable for a short sketch program, but not for a feature film. The crooked teeth and lisping rickety English recitation of this Japanese one are caricatural and painful stereotype. The lack of jokes doesn’t make things any better. The sumo wrestler that Ushi has to tie the knot with is a Dutch man. Bizarre.

Everyone who has been associated with this project is a loser. ‘Ushi Must Marry’ is pure reputation damage. One of the worst (Dutch) films ever.