The Three Musketeers (2011)

Directed by: Paul WS Anderson | 102 minutes | action, adventure, romance | Actors: Juno Temple, Logan Lerman, Ray Stevenson, Matthew Macfadyen, Milla Jovovich, Luke Evans, Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Mads Mikkelsen, Til Schweiger, James Corden, Gabriella Wilde, Carsten Norgaard, Freddie Fox, Isaiah Michalski

‘The Three Musketeers’ is a miserably failed attempt to revive Alexandre Dumas’ classic adventure novel by adding special effects and all sorts of nonsense that only distract from what it should be about. Director Paul WS Anderson does exactly what you can expect from him: deliver a not too bright film with a lot of action, where you as a viewer think afterwards: I could have done that better myself.

It seems impossible to ruin ‘Les Trois Mousquetaires’, as the original book was titled: it has a sympathetic and recognizable protagonist in D’Artagnan, who looks up to the three intrepid musketeers Athos, Porthos and Aramis, each with their own interesting traits. The book is full of action, humorous incidents, espionage, romantic adventures and high-level intrigue, complemented by a retinue of memorable villains: Rochefort, Milady and above all the mighty Cardinal Richelieu. The story has been indestructible since 1844, when it was first serialized in the newspaper Le Siècle, and has spawned television series, various films, musicals and computer games. Anderson manages to come a long way in less than two hours to kill the story. Important plot lines are so simplified that it becomes almost childish, the musketeers become cardboard extras in their own film, reacting only one way to each situation and all kinds of anachronistic nonsense is added, while the original story in book form with its cinematic scenes is almost already constitutes a ready-made and perfect adventure film. A good screenwriter could have finished it in half a day.

The cast does its best: Logan Lerman is a bit too smooth for D’Artagnan, but manages to capture his spirit nicely. Athos (Matthew Macfayden), Porthos (Ray Stevenson) and Aramis (Luke Evans) don’t have to do anything remotely resembling acting. The makers have chosen to refer the titular heroes to the second plan and to focus on the treacherous Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich) and the English Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). The latter gets a Jack Sparrow-like appearance here and Jovovich is probably not entirely coincidentally the legal wife of director Anderson. Christoph Waltz is scandalously underused as the conspiracy cardinal, and only Mads Mikkelsen emerges unscathed as Richelieu’s henchman Rochefort.

Instead of the famous story, the audience is presented with airships (a combination of a zeppelin and a galleon) after drawings by Leonardo da Vinci, booby traps with ‘The Matrix’-like effects and all kinds of completely unbelievable incidents. Not just unrealistic – that’s what we’re used to from Hollywood, in which men just get back up after being beaten to death and physical beatings – but really unbelievable. Ridiculous escapes, where Milla Jovovich as Milady de Winter is allowed to undress as far as is allowed in a ’12 years and older’ film, totally superfluous and for the film added action that makes no sense, of which the attack on the Tower of London is the most striking example. Not to mention the many minor and major inaccuracies and mistakes. There are many, from the falling friendship between King Louis XIII (Freddie Fox) and D’Artagnan as the unrecognizable Versailles (the film was shot in Bavaria and the French palace was mainly the creation of Louis XIV, the son of no. 13).

The film does look good visually, except for a few moments with the airships – but that could also be the mind’s refusal to accept what’s being shown – and with lots of flashy melee combat. The design is beautiful, with fine costumes and furnishings, although it probably didn’t look quite as clean in the 16th century. As with many films, the 3D effects hardly add anything here, although the trick to zoom in on the action on the European map is a nice idea.

Those who want to see ‘The Three Musketeers’ should check out the 1973 version, which stays much closer to the story and features numerous stars (Charlton Heston and Christopher Lee, among others). Even the 1993 version with Kiefer Sutherland and Chris O’Donnell is better than this mess.

It is the umpteenth miss of Paul WS Anderson, who apparently time and again receives a bag of money from a film studio to make a mediocre film. For ‘The Three Musketeers’ that was no less than 90 million dollars. This in itself is incomprehensible, but after seeing the film, the end must also come into view for the lenders. The last scene really screams ‘continuation, continuation, continuation’, even louder than the text ‘there’s a sequel coming’ would have done. Whether or not that will actually happen remains to be seen. The film had a disappointing opening, after which Milla Jovovich accused the production company of not having marketed the film well. Perhaps there is still hope for the film industry if the audience just stays away. Perhaps there’s still hope that the dollar-sign-only movie buffs will see that an investment in quality may pay off more than just messing around with an asshole. Perhaps.