Ushi Must Marry (2013)

Directed by: Paul Ruven | 96 minutes | comedy | Actors: Wendy van Dijk, Hiromi Tojo, Patrick Dempsey, Chris Noth, Uri Geller, Amanda Musso, Jillie Reil, Mark Sagato, Sunny Vachher, Emma Zerner

You have bad movies and you have ‘Ushi Must Marry’. This Dutch production is so horribly bad that it can almost be called a world achievement that this film even exists. How could this production be made? After all, quite a bit of money has been invested here (read: the guest role of Patrick Dempsey) and how could a studio give the green light for this film that is not funny, fun or entertaining at any time? Everything about ‘Ushi Must Marry’ has failed.

‘Ushi Must Marry’ revolves around the title character of the same name (played by Wendy van Dijk). This ‘old’ spinster is married off by her mother, because she is still not married. The Japanese’s intended partner, however, is a plus-sized sumo wrestler. Ushi promises to marry him if she can’t find a more suitable suitor within two weeks. Can you do that in such a short time?

Where to start? The fact that so many people worked on this production without even one having the guts to say how hopeless this exercise was is shocking. There is nothing right about this movie. The acting and humor are absent, the characters racist, the soundtrack dull and the camera work boring. Ushi is a flat and very perishable character who is suitable for a short sketch show, but not for a feature film. The crooked teeth and the lisping ramshackle English recitation of this Japanese are caricatured and painfully stereotyped. The lack of jokes doesn’t make it any better. The sumo wrestler with whom Ushi has to tie the knot is a Dutch man. Bizarre.

Anyone who has been associated with this project is a loser. ‘Ushi Must Marry’ is pure reputation damage. One of the worst (Dutch) films ever.